1: I’m a people person, sort of. I’m quite fond of people, but in small doses, very small doses to be precise, and smaller groups, not hordes, especially not crowds. I can’t walk through a city centre on a busy shopping day without being reminded of a zombie movie in a dystopian world but with less gnashing and biting.
2: Women take far too long in the ladies’ bathroom. What the hell do they do in there? I’m in and out in 30 seconds, wash my hands and I’m gone! Some ladies spend at least 7 minutes in the stalls and then faff around in front of the hand dryer for so long, that it’s no wonder their skin isn’t vapourised. Men take about a minute tops. There should be timers on loos for number 1’s. If you are still in there after three minutes there should be an alert on a loudspeaker saying you have 1 minute to vacate. If you are still in there after that, the door should spring open and a big rubber hand should push you out. I don’t care if your pants are down. You’ll soon learn your lesson.
3: Cutter-through-ers are inherently annoying. You know those people that don’t want to walk around the queue? They choose to cut through, but EVERY TIME they pick the shortest person (so usually me) to cut through, so I’m constantly being jostled back and forth in my carefully kept place in the queue. Walk around you lazy bastard, I’m not a bypass. I’m going to look at you crossly with the stare of Death as you walk towards me and cause you to divert at the last minute and pretend you were going that way anyway.
4: People are kinder to their dogs these days, which is lovely. Years ago you’d go to people’s houses and their dogs would be in the garden. Most of the time now, you see dogs on the bed, eating only the best food, and even a lot of homeless people have coats on their dogs now. I applaud this positive move for man’s best friend and how cats are treated much more kindly too.
5: There are still polite people in the world. These are the ones that make the world shine and help you laugh off the grumpy old coots that sneer at you when they bump into you. Don’t feel forced to apologise to people who bump into you, it’s so British and not necessary. My sister’s tactic, which I’ve now adopted is to shriek and jump away as if they’ve burned you. It’s worth it to see the look of embarrassment on their face as they clearly don’t expect a reaction after barging into you.
6: There are a few things that make Christmas shopping more manageable.
•For one a good trolly bag on wheels! My friends used to laugh at me and call me an old lady for carting my trolley bag around, but trolley bags are trendy now and I utilized them when they were just an old lady thing so you can thank me later! (I don’t know the modern word for trendy – not sorry!) Plus, you can get so much shopping in them without feeling like your arms are on a stretching rack – who’s the winner now huh?
•If when in a group, the zombies are converging between you to split your group up, create a choo choo train where each puts their hands on the shoulders of the person in front. This will keep you all inline. If you then loudly call choo choo and skip along, people will go out of their way to avoid you. I’ve tested this technique and it works. Being looked at like the resident nutcases is worth it!
•Wine and plenty of it. It’s guaranteed to take the sting out of long queues, rude staff, barging customers, canceled trains and rising inflation. If wine isn’t your bag you can substitute with beer or spirits.
Good luck everyone, it’s wild out there!
