This topic might be a little more difficult to read but it’s an important one. I want to talk about why in society abusers are seen as an afterthought and their victims are the ones who are often shamed. If you would rather watch the video than read the blog, you can do so on my Pod’s Rumble channel here:
Unless you’ve been in an abusive relationship with a controlling person or narcissist then it can be difficult to understand the dynamics.
There are some common phrases that are thrown about with regard to abusive relationships, that do exactly this. I’m going to use ‘she’ pronouns in this video, as even though it can happen both ways round, violence against women is much more commonplace
The National Center for Injury Prevention and Control says that ‘women experience about 4.8 million intimate partner-related physical assaults and rapes every year‘
What are the most common tropes?
Number 1: Why didn’t she just leave.
It’s simple really. Abusive men are controlling. Do you think they will really let their source of supply get away that easy? They will do whatever it takes to hang on to their victim and drain them dry. This could include taking their money or resources away, depriving them of sleep, gaslighting them, or even staying home all the time, so the victim has no chance to escape.
It takes a woman on average 7 attempts to leave their abusive partner. This is also the most dangerous time for a woman when she’s leaving her abuser and she will subconsciously understand how dangerous this is.
So, in a nutshell, that’s why she didn’t “just leave.”
Number 2: It takes two to tango.
Oh does it? Did it take Ted Bundy two to tango? Did his victims deserve it for smiling the wrong way or not dressing like they were in a convent?
How about Jeffrey Dahmer? Did it take two to tango then? Did those gay men deserve it because they didn’t want to watch television with him? Was it their fault that he was a horrible, damaged, homicidal maniac?
No. None of those poor people deserved what happened and of course, we all know that. So why does it take something as extreme as a woman being murdered in cold blood for people to realise that this wasn’t a tango, it didn’t take effort on equal sides and was in a bloody, demonic waltz at the hand of a barbarous maniac, who didn’t like hearing the word no?
It’s time that we stop flipping the script and support victims of domestic violence rather than shaming them for falling victim to a savage predator.
How do you think we can support victims of abuse more?
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