In a Nutshell: Victim Shaming

This topic might be a little more difficult to read but it’s an important one. I want to talk about why in society abusers are seen as an afterthought and their victims are the ones who are often shamed. If you would rather watch the video than read the blog, you can do so on my Pod’s Rumble channel here:


Unless you’ve been in an abusive relationship with a controlling person or narcissist then it can be difficult to understand the dynamics.

There are some common phrases that are thrown about with regard to abusive relationships, that do exactly this. I’m going to use ‘she’ pronouns in this video, as even though it can happen both ways round, violence against women is much more commonplace 

The National Center for Injury Prevention and Control says that ‘women experience about 4.8 million intimate partner-related physical assaults and rapes every year

What are the most common tropes?

Number 1: Why didn’t she just leave.

It’s simple really. Abusive men are controlling. Do you think they will really let their source of supply get away that easy? They will do whatever it takes to hang on to their victim and drain them dry. This could include taking their money or resources away, depriving them of sleep, gaslighting them, or even staying home all the time, so the victim has no chance to escape.

It takes a woman on average 7 attempts to leave their abusive partner. This is also the most dangerous time for a woman when she’s leaving her abuser and she will subconsciously understand how dangerous this is.

So, in a nutshell, that’s why she didn’t “just leave.”

Number 2: It takes two to tango.

Oh does it? Did it take Ted Bundy two to tango? Did his victims deserve it for smiling the wrong way or not dressing like they were in a convent? 

How about Jeffrey Dahmer? Did it take two to tango then? Did those gay men deserve it because they didn’t want to watch television with him? Was it their fault that he was a horrible, damaged, homicidal maniac?

No. None of those poor people deserved what happened and of course, we all know that. So why does it take something as extreme as a woman being murdered in cold blood for people to realise that this wasn’t a tango, it didn’t take effort on equal sides and was in a bloody, demonic waltz at the hand of a barbarous maniac, who didn’t like hearing the word no?

It’s time that we stop flipping the script and support victims of domestic violence rather than shaming them for falling victim to a savage predator.

How do you think we can support victims of abuse more?

Drop us some comments over on our channel here: https://rumble.com/user/KaznPodsCast

You can also follow us on Twitter: https://twitter.com/KazBandPodscast

Thanks for joining us!

Kaz B

Writer, podcaster, creator


  1. A very compelling blog and video Mistress Kaz.
    I hope that times have changed and the victims of domestic abuse receive more support than they used to? I like to think that opinions are a little more enlightened now and we don’t just turn a blind eye and sweep it under the carpet.
    I think back to the seventies and the attacks of the ‘Yorkshire Ripper’ and more recently the murders committed in Ipswich by the ‘Suffolk Strangler’ and there did as you say tend to be a degree of “they got what they deserved” because they were prostitutes, (when in fact most weren’t).
    The way to change things in my opinion is through education. Perhaps in pastoral classes at school children need to be taught how to treat others with respect and kindness? Or maybe I’m naive?
    I never saw my parents have an argument and only witnessed a loving relationship between them so I’m sure that was a great influence on me?

  2. To an extent yes. Many people minimalise the words of survivors though and invalidate their experiences, even so-called friends sometimes. I agree these topics should be taught in schools
    It sounds like you had fantastic parents and are a shining example 🙂

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