Sexy things that are really NOT that sexy!

Sharing a shower with your beau

This would leave me facing such a conundrum. If I get my hair wet, I need to wash it, so it doesn’t smell of wet dog. So, the options are: To try and keep my hair dry and spend the whole time worrying about water spraying all over it and ending up frizzy, tangled & potentially whiffy, or to wash my hair during ‘the experience.’ Have you ever tried a passionate kiss with shampoo in your eyes? There is nothing hot about this whatsoever! Whoever decided that getting jiggy with it in a small, slippery confined space was erotic? I’m talking about the shower, perverts – behave!

Hollywood movies paint a false picture. Carefully edited footage shows us honed bodies moving in sync, the actress emerging with slightly damp, tousled hair and perfect mascara entact. This is all a horrible lie! Most likely the lady in question will end up looking like a parody of The Joker, with mascara streaked down her face, lipstick smeared in a Glasgow smile and hair to rival Worzel Gummage, from the popular 1980s show.

Now let’s find the implements!

The reality is that one of you is guaranteed to be cold as most showers are not equipped to shower two people at once. Not to mention trying to wash one another. Whilst you might think this looks erotic on film, try being a female faced with a soapy sponge coming towards your fufu. Cries of “keep that away from my delicates! Soap on a girls fufu can create an imbalance of good bacteria, which leads to thrush” are guaranteed to completely kill the moment – unless he’s a microbiome physiologist and loves this kind of shower side chit chat.  

The whole scenario screams health and safety hazard! You can keep it, thanks!

Sharing a morning bath in a small tub

If you have a large jacuzzi tub, I can accept that lounging together with a nice glass of champagne might be a nice way to unwind. Even a nice kiss could work, but if it goes beyond that get out of the bloody tub! Baths are slippery bastards. Who wants to roll around, banging elbows and knees and soaking the bathroom carpet for a few minutes of uncomfortable action? This would be exacerbated further if this took place in the morning. Morning bathing is for getting shit done – shaving legs, exfoliating, washing thyself pure. Would you be forced to give up your morning duties and spend the day stubbly to avoid sitting in a tub of grit, hair, and each other’s skin cells? Neither seems a good viable option to me.

I used to love bathing to help ease my stiff muscles after a long day. I would just be getting comfortable, luxuriating in the sensation of the hot water against my aching muscles and unwinding, when an ex would barge in, insist on joining me, and then disaster would ensue. He’d take up most of the tub, leaving me with little room. Anywhere we positioned our legs would be uncomfortable and would lead to squashing. We’d disagree about the temperature as it’s hard to get it right for two people. One of you would end up too hot or too cold, cramped, the muscles would now feel even stiffer after playing a ridiculous game of bath yoga and then, the unthinkable would happen! He would smother himself in vast amounts of shower gel and start shaving his beard off. Now I’m in toxic water which has a caustic ph balance, his little hairs stabbing into my flesh, like iron filings. After a few times, I did the sensible thing any rational human being would do and began locking the bathroom door. The moral of this story: If you want to share a bath, head to the jacuzzi in your local gym but stay clear of mine!

Food sex

I’m happy to splosh someone but do not care to be drizzled with cream, chocolate, or any other sticky substance. The feeling of it against my skin feels like cement drying. Not to mention cream starts to smell rancid after a little while. I just can’t wait to get it off, so therefore engaging in this behaviour is a no-no for me.  Just think of the sheets too – that’s more washing! Ah but use a plastic sheet I hear you say. I prefer luxury and like nice, warm cosy sheets. A cold plastic sheet on my back while someone pours yet more cold, horrible substances over me just sounds like a way to ignite my wrath. “Oooh will I get punished,” you ask? Yes – by my lack of presence as I scarper pronto!

But you said it would be sexy! Fetch me my dick guillotine – the small one!

Another thing I find gruesome – kissing with food! However much you’ve brushed your teeth there will still be little bits of bacteria between your teeth. While some people may not care, my vivid imagination summons up images of evil, monstrous organisms drifting into my mouth and emitting noxious, green substances that will ultimately infect my system with their grossness. Passing a strawberry to one another with the lips is cute. Trying to force masticated food from mouth to mouth with your tongue is utterly vile. Each to their own, I know some who love this, but it’s not for me!

There’s an eclectic fusion menu of sensual delights that you can share with your S.O. or playmate, but these are often bypassed. Whereas these cliched sex games seem to be so popular in the mainstream. What is this obsession with engaging in an uncomfortable, sticky rendezvous? If anyone has any thoughts on this, I’d love to hear your feedback and why you love or hate these things!

Kaz B

Writer, podcaster, creator

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