TweetMartyr: #10 tips on how to become a pseudo social media guru! #RT


10 Top ways to gain pseudo credibility on Twitter. as a social media expert!

1. Inform fellow twits that they are clueless and their tweetings will not only lose them follower but will result in career suicide!
And possibly actually suicide.

2. Tell them the correct way to go about things, either by stating the obvious and recommending well known twit apps or telling them to follow you – the MASTER! Even better spam them your shit and let these useless minions know that they are nothing without you! Success will only be achieved by visiting your site and purchasing your latest book on social networking/twitter/(insert latest buzzword.)

3. If they aren’t buying it – confuse them! They are bound to think you’re an expert then! Anything to do with lists, trending or hashtags is a good start…if the confusion doesn’t set in it should at least lull them to sleep.

4. Not working? Try a bit of scaremongering, tweet about scambots, fakes and how google will take over the world and feast upon their bloody carcuses, then their unworthy souls….unless they listen very carefully to what you have to say……

5. Make yourself look superior to other self proclaimed social networking guru’s and SM sites by isolating the enemy and disparaging them frequently – ie ‘facebook are spying on you on the loo and eat small children for breakfast.’ We’re all doomed!

6. Make a sterotypical and insulting list, which attempts to pidgeon hole every twitter user into a category. This is guaranteed to make them feel small and worthless and worship your almighty omnipotent power mwahahahaha! This will make you seem like a guru of social pyschology….or some other bullshit!

7.Be totally humourless at all times. People are bound to take you seriously. If not unfollow them.

8. Advise others AGAINST promoting their businesses. There is no room in the twitterverse for you and these insufferable twits! Be sure to spam as much of your shit as possible though, every now and again, re-word it and re hash it as new expert advice. No one will notice, they are to busy tweeting about which toilet paper to use.

9.Advise people on what they should and shouldn’t do for best twitter practises, the aim here to is ensure that their future tweets are devoid of any kind of personality, opinion or charisma. Yours will be a shining beacon in comparison – you ghastly cad you! Oh and always tell them to retweet you, but also inform them that as they are not experts they should not ask for retweets. It looks needy and pathetic.

10. Remind everyone how fabulous you are & how they would be lost without your advice! Impress upon them that for only £19.99 they can suscribe to your pearls of wisdom via newsletter and cease to be an utter failure (almost). In fact, if they buy the book/cd/course they might even be nearly as great an expert as you one day. Although probably not.

By Kaz B Actress/observer/social commentator/guru in subterfuge & propaganda/pyschologist of incredulous inanity/master of *BFM

Follow me at www.twitter.com/KazBxx for more of my slightly bizarre and absurd commentary.


*Bovine faecal matter.

Kaz B

Writer, podcaster, creator

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