This piece is inspired by a Slave who wrote an extract for my upcoming BDSM book. He confessed that he had to part ways with his Mistress and thus, this blog was born.
Love is a tricky old affair, isn’t it? Lust is much more simple. Good old lust. Lust is built on good, old-fashioned chemistry and physical attraction. We know where we are with lust. Or do we? Isn’t lust sometimes confused with feelings of love?
I can’t procrastinate any longer so let’s just get down to it and address the big, fat, stinking elephant in the room, that everyone is casting their gaze away from. What actually happens when a sub falls in love with his domme? I mean. apart from the deafening blast of three trumpets in the skies, followed by a flurry of dark, menacing clouds, weeping angels and the impending apocalypse? Let’s look at why falling in love with your domme is not only an utterly terrible idea but also totally disastrous if your feelings become all-encompassing.
Why do some subs fall in love with their Mistresses.
There are multiple reasons. Let’s look at some of them.
1: The simplest explanation is that they are falling in love with a fantasy. They don’t see their domme when she wakes up with crows nest hair, mascara smeared down her chops, in the car honking her horn angrily at “some bloody idiot who cut me up,” or crying into her polystyrene cup of coffee because the cars broke down, she had a row with a friend, her toddler threw his beans everywhere at breakfast time just as she was setting out to leave, oh and someone on Twitter called her a hoe, which was the rotten cherry on top of the cake made of doggy doo.
These subs don’t tend to see the things that make a Mistress human as they generally only see the highlights. Mistress dolled up to the nines, poured into skintight, shining black PVC, legs encased in nylon and heels as high as a barbers pole. With her confident demeanour, she saunters in as if she doesn’t have a care in the world. She encourages and enjoys your kinks, listens to you, gives you aftercare after a heavy session and makes you feel relevant, and accepted.
In a way, she is not so different to an airline hostess, glamorous and smiling, or smouldering at least, giving you what you desire, except instead of a double Gin and tonic, a cheese panini and a tub of Pringles, it’s an experience in indulging your kinks. This is where some subs may become confused because the experience is highly charged for them and perhaps their only outlet for kink. They assume it’s the same for the domme. Let’s be realistic though here. Yes, a domme can have an amazing rapport with her sub, help them on their journey and even enjoy their time together but the likelihood of her experience being as mindblowing as yours is nought to zero. If a domme gave all her energy, attention and care to every sub she crossed paths with, she’d be in an institution for the mentally insane in less than a month. While the air hostess can walk away with a smile, somehow some subs expect there to be some kind of romance on the cards and can’t understand why their domme doesn’t feel the same.
2: There may be something missing in the sub’s life that leaves them with an empty feeling that they are looking to fill. BDSM is a form of escapism and like any form of escape, you can become addicted. You might become addicted to the kink or you might become addicted to the domme. Both are equally unhealthy. Everything in moderation chaps. That’s an order.
3: The experience can be extremely intense and if you don’t have much experience of boundaries in your life, it can become very confusing. During a session, you may release huge amounts of serotonin, adrenaline, norephedrine and of course the lurve drug oxytocin – it’s basically ecstasy on steroids!
After the session, you may feel depleted and so she gives you aftercare, brings you water or tea, tends to any abrasions like a nurse and offers comforting words of reassurance and how to take it easy for the rest of the day. To the domme, this is standard practice and part of her duty of care. To you, she might appear as your Florence Nightingale. It doesn’t mean she wants to date you, it just means she’s a decent individual and carrying out her responsibilities to you as a human in her care.
4: Some newbie subs don’t even understand the professional dynamics. They go in with the view they are on a date. They think, “It’s so hard to find a woman who likes what I do. Oh, she’s kinky! I wonder if she’s up for it.”
To me, this is the most disrespectful and vulgar of all as they aren’t viewing you as an individual with thoughts and feelings. They are viewing you as some kind of walking, talking kink doll that can fulfil their needs. It’s an entitled mindset that’s completely out of touch with reality and focuses on the self and one’s own desires.
5: Some dommes are just fabulous. It’s hard not to fall in love with them right? 😉 For both your sakes though, I insist you really must try to avoid it, at all costs. Otherwise, you run the risk of losing something beautiful and potentially destroying your life in the process, should you become too infatuated or addicted to having your needs met.
There may be more. If I’ve missed any, please leave some comments and let me know your thoughts.
So how does a sub avoid falling in love with a domme?
1: Open communication and clear boundaries – this is vital on both sides. As a domme, I do not accept romantic invitations from subs. As a sub, you should not be putting any domme in this awkward situation of having to politely decline.
You should always make choices built on respect for a fellow human being.
Imagine a fork in the road – one looks like Heaven. The domme in the distance, shining in rubber, her hair glowing like molten lava but get too close and you’ll get burned. The other road looks more standard, with a few treats along the way but there is a clear dead end. THIS is the road you take, every time! Otherwise, that wooden sign you thought said Heaven? Well, the rain comes down and washes the paint away and underneath it actually says “Welcome to your own personal Hell….and not in a good way!”
You run the risk of not only hurting yourself but alienating your domme and she starts to distance herself and put walls up.
2: If you feel yourself becoming too attached, take a break from your domme. I know it’s difficult and at first, you might think it’s all you want to do but it’s not good for you to feed the fire. Get out into the real world and experience some of the things you enjoyed before meeting your Princess of Darkness.
3: Do consider mixing it up and seeing other dommes. Most Mistresses will understand and respect your decision if you are becoming too attached. I can highly recommend doing some sessions with your Mistresses friends. (If she approves this). Not only will you learn some new things and add strings to your bow but you will have a common interest, a stronger D/S relationship and you won’t be reliant on one person if you are feeling like reaching out to a like-minded person.
4: Get more involved with the kink community. At first, it might seem strange talking to others about your kinks but you’ll discover people who share the same ideas and kinks as you. This could be on X (formerly known as Twitter). I have a group there called Kink Cartel for subs where they can discuss kink-related subjects in a safe space. Also, my good friend Podopheleus runs a group for submissive men and helps them navigate the minefield of BDSM. You could even attend a fetish night. The real world can seem scary but I promise you, most events are not seedy little dives filled to the rafters with creepy men in Borat-style unitards, though you may see the odd mankini! They are places full of friendly, open-minded people who will welcome you and talk freely, whether it be about what you like on your toast in the morning or what your favourite kink is. Try it. You’ll be glad you did.
5: Get logical. Think about why you have these feelings and explore them. Are you ignoring other social relationships? Have you given up on dating? Are things stale at home even? What could you change about your life in a positive way, outside of kink? More than likely there is a reason behind the fixation which has nothing to do with genuine feelings of love.
6: Take a holiday, or at least a short break away if possible. When we leave our usual everyday trappings, we can see the world more clearly, feel inspired again and set out the things that make us feel alive.
7: If all fails and nothing has worked and the feelings are just too overwhelming, unfortunately, it’s time to take rash action. I’m afraid my dear, you will need to part ways with your domme and head on to new pastures, and possibly even consider therapy with someone who specialises in this arena. It may be that you are struggling with depression or codependency or there may be other factors involved that are a struggle to understand and deal with on your own.
Love can be a wonderful thing but it can also be misinterpreted, inappropriate or unrequited and this might be a painful thing that you will need to endure for the sanity of both you and your domme. As caring as she may be, she doesn’t want you on her heels and blowing up her phone every night while she nestles in with a cup of tea and a digestive biscuit.
For you, you are simply torturing yourself with what will never be. So be kind to yourself and just don’t do it.
I hope you have enjoyed reading this blog and some of the insights I’ve shared. I’m open to thoughts and ideas and always love to hear about your experiences too but please don’t send me a 3000-word essay on how I got inside your head and must truly understand you.
Keep it polite, keep it to a respectful length.
Take care of yourself, you kinky scoundrels you! 😉
Love and candid lashes