This is pretty embarrassing, I have no idea why I’m even telling you this, perhaps as a lesson to others? Some form of self-flagellation? Or perhaps because I am completely barmy – a certifiable, fully-fledged nutjob. There you are – my red flags. Or at least the ones I am taking ownership of and admitting to. Incarcerate me now in the nearest loony bin.
The other night a suggestion for Facebook dating popped up on my feed and I thought – why not? I’ll tell you why! It was a bad idea. A crazy idea, insane in fact! Whatever was I thinking? It was lunacy at its finest and I can only put it down to a moment of madness. I do declare myself clinically insane at that moment. I was not of rational mind or body. Perhaps I can put it down to the sweltering summer evening and the relaxing effects of the Ginger and peach-flavoured CBD drink I was supping, or a huge brain malfunction caused by dehydration. The heatwave, that must be partially a factor, surely?
I should have realised that you if are a domme with a social media following you will get recognised, but what spooked me was just how quickly it happened! Within ten minutes of popping on a photo and a few half-hearted words, I had WhatsApp messages from previous subs telling me how kinky they were and what a great match we’d be, because obviously, that’s all I am, a kink vessel with zero other interests or angles to my personality. A mere fembot designed to peddle the deviant delights of the kink connoisseur. This was a huge facepalm moment for me. No – don’t feel any sympathy for me, I realise it was the online equivalent of putting my Rook in the path of a Knight without considering the consequences of such a sloppy move. My next move would have been a chessmate so my only possible course of action was to smash the board…metaphorically speaking I mean, and no, that’s not a euphemism.
Dommes tend to get a lot of messages, not just from well-meaning clients wanting to book an actual slave training appointment but from timewasters, weirdo’s and all ilk of undesirable creatures whose main goal is to fill your inboxes with one-sided circular conversations with themselves or even worse – offers of FLR’s from complete strangers.
For me, it’s pretty obvious that work and relationships are two separate things but I think some subs think very differently, I’m not directing this at any particular person nor do I want to make them feel bad, but they likely think – yay – she must be desperate to be on a dating site. I’ll slide into her inbox, obviously, she’ll be interested and I can get whipped daily until I look like an extra from The Walking Dead, be chained to the sink, forced to eat filth off the floor, and get hammered with 14-inch purple tentacles everyday – whoopie!
It’s not that I’m against a little experimental fun in the boudoir let’s say, and call me a prude, but the thought of dating Derek the trainspotter who has a penchant for crawling around in nappies all day, calling me Mummy and asking me to help him set up a Grindr account just doesn’t hit the spot!
It probably doesn’t help that my type is a Lidl version of Chris Hemsworth.
After all – the real one is taken and probably has a height restriction policy like a fairground attraction – ‘if you aren’t as tall as a 14-year-old you can’t come on the ride!’ (For those not in the know that’s Thor or George Samuel Kirk from Star Trek).
It’s not all about looks but of course, that helps. I take care of myself and my appearance and so would expect them to do the same. Intelligence, wit and charm account for a lot so a Mr. Lidl who could make me laugh might cut the mustard if his real life/naughty side is well-balanced and his idea of a perfect Monday afternoon isn’t whacking off into a tin of tuna while dressed in a wetsuit, flippers and a pair of bunny ears, and shouting ‘Nemo’ as he nuts.
I’m not kink-shaming here, each to their own but every chick has the right to decide what she allows or doesn’t allow into her personal life.
Needless to say, I instantly deleted the profile. Ok, that’s not strictly true. There was about five minutes of wailing, clawing at my hair, and panicking about how to delete the bastard profile as I couldn’t find the bloody button, so had to enlist the help of a friend to erase it from existence. If I ever win the lottery, she’s made it onto the list of people I’d sort out with a nice pile of wonga.
On the plus side, I’ve learned a few new dating terms this week which are rather good fun!
Roaching: As in cockroaches, where you see one cockroach there is likely to be an infestation! In other words, they will be dating multiple people without being upfront about it. The best thing to do is avoid intimacy and they will show themselves out of your life as their goal is to try and pass go and quickly take you up the Old Kent Road, sorry darling, I meant Bond Street.
Cushioning: When someone sends a copy and paste out to multiple people. You can also call this baiting, throwing out their hook to see who takes the bait, plus they are likely to be doing another kind of ‘baiting’ with their spare hand!
Fauxbaeing: pretending to be on a date in a fancy restaurant or similar to create interest. Forcing your waiter to pose for a selfie is not a cool flex and his name badge with TGI on it will be a dead giveaway.
Phubbing: paying more attention to your phone than your date. (Hmm sounds a bit like fapping to me. Perhaps it is a version of this as they are mentally fapping from feeling superior because they have a friend to text – real or imaginary).
Benching: agreeing to a date and rescheduling in the hope of keeping someone on standby. Darlings, you are not a television set. If someone does this I recommend changing their name in your phone to something like ‘Pillock’ or ‘Ron Jeremy’ to remind you why you shouldn’t reply.
Textuationship – lengthy texts or constant hey, hi, yo’s without ever meeting. I guess this is more likely amongst the Gen Zeders rather than grown-ass adults.
I’m so fascinated by the psychology of this all and dare I admit it, there’s a part of me that enjoys learning about all this stuff. Whoever thought popping out for a few lemonades (bottles of wine) or swiping right could be so incredibly entertaining!
So it would seem that every day is a school day! Do you have any favourite buzzwords for dating? Do share in the comments.
I’ll finish with, if you know me personally and see me on a site, please don’t send me a WhatsApp telling me about your kinks, or… anything else!
If you are a Mr Lidl, and more than two people have verified this, (in writing ideally) I might consider a cup of tea or a cheeky vino. This is not an open invitation to anyone who doesn’t put the same effort into their life that I put into mine and go re-read the paragraph about bitches seeking kink dispensers if you are still confused.
For now, I’ll say tally-ho then! I have no idea why, I didn’t grow up in Eton. It just seemed to fit the bill. Toodles!
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