British Rail Meltdown

I wrote this glowing review in 2023 and just remembered it just now, after a day travelling on British rail.

The day started with me feeling like Superwoman. The lift at the train station was out of action and I sprinted up 4 lots of steps with a rucksack on my back, a case in my hand and an iced coffee in the other – ta da! The return was not so blessed. No sooner had I got from Templemeads to Parkway, we were told we would have to return to Templemeads and start again. You can blame that for inspiring me to post this ‘review!”

Is your life truly dull? Do you long to experience what life is like for the average commuter living in England? Jump aboard the GWR and experience a healthy dose of reality! What a joy it is to travel by rail in the year 2024, and I would particularly like to express my deep gratitude to GWR, who provides a thrilling journey, drenched in the sort of realism battery hens being transported across the border might encounter. What a wonderful insight into the minds of big corporations as they allow us the privilege to travel in primitive conditions and witness other humans in such proximity, that we can not only smell their armpits but could tickle them with our noses, if so inclined.

Furthermore, the exuberation of a corridor crammed full of bodies only adds to the thrill of what might be should there be a major incident on the track and I can only imagine the aftermath as a gruesome game of twister.

Every couple of minutes, the delight of someone jostling merrily to enter the toilet you have been pressed up against as they scuttle in for a mighty dump helps to keep you on your toes and ensures you are not wasting any time with useless thinking of all the things you need to do that day. For a bargain price of somewhere between £30 – £100+ depending on your destination, you can enjoy this hair-raising experience and indulge in the sensation of living life on the edge. 

I highly recommend combining your GWR adventure with South Western Rail for the full immersive experience. After absorbing the feeling of caged hens who can only touch the floor with one foot, with necks bent to the side, you can move on to your SWR experience, which I see as a test of great discipline as you resist pulling the emergency cord and having a full-scale meltdown, hunger pangs ravaging your body as dehydration sets in. Travelling from London to Cornwall? Don’t expect any fluid refreshments on that 6-hour journey. You should be grateful they don’t make you shit out the window! It’s a true feeling of Britishness and what it’s like to live and travel in modern Britain. 

We must applaud our overlords – the privatised rail companies who so generously allow us to travel as animals and demonstrate the value of our hard-earned cash by charging us through the nose for this all-encompassing experience. 

Of course, you should all bow down to these great masters for they only have your best interests at heart and only want you to appreciate an experience unlike any other. 

As a seasoned rail battery hen, I thoroughly recommend you bring your Sanitiser, as part of the wonderful experiment is a floor that is stained with all manner of fluids, and doors combining the hand grease and bacteria of thousands of passengers – all part of the fun as you excitedly wonder which strain of the flu you might catch if you forget to douse yourself thoroughly in neat alcohol. 

My journey is at an end now and I must stagger out into the sunlight, gasping at the assault on my nostrils from the sickly stench of sugary food-like substances which many people have become dependant on as they commute and navigate their way through modern Britain – hopeless addicts enslaved to the companies that create the illusion of choice and free will. Do you fancy the sugary doughnuts, the cakes or the other starchy carbs? Washed down with an authentic piss-coloured tea perchance? You lucky people!

Enjoy your next journey my confidants and don’t forget to express your indebtedness to the wonderful rail services Britain provides. 

Oh, and don’t buy eggs from caged hens!! 

Kaz B

Writer, podcaster, creator

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