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Why I Am So Anti-Bullying

I do not tolerate bullies and have no respect for those who attempt to belittle or walk over others to give themselves an ego boost. I despise all forms of bullying whether physical, verbal, emotional or cyber. It can have devastating effects on the victims and leave them with trust issues, difficulty forming or maintaining healthy relationships and can lead to confidence and self-esteem issues.

I was a victim of childhood bullying myself when I was at school and as a result, I understand how it can psychologically damage you for years afterwards.

At school I was very small in stature, (hard to believe now I’m such a giant, right?) I was about half the size of my class mates and therefore an easy target. I was also a bookworm and always had my head buried deep in a Terry Pratchett or Piers Anthony book. It began with verbal abuse, name calling “You’re ugly” “You’re a swot” “Nobody likes you” and developed into something far darker and more insidious. It became a campaign to isolate me, to threaten those who were friendly towards me and intimidate them into abandoning friendships with me. Once I became more isolated, it became more physical, although it was the psychological bullying that affected me for years afterwards.

It started with small things such as tripping me up in the corridor or shoving me into a wall, pulling my hair or destroying my property and pushing me over. Then I was chased home from school by a gang of girls and told “We will get you You’re dead!”

Later it became punches, kicks. The inmates needed a target and being cowards, they decided the easiest option was most viable.

I began to creep around, trying to hide from the bullies who made my life a living nightmare, terrified that they may see me and the abuse would begin again. I lived in constant fear, terrified of even walking to the corner shop and become more withdrawn and reluctant to leave the house.

During PE at school I was told that if I gained possession of the ball during a game of hockey (I was surprisingly good at it) they would beat me up after school and I’d be ‘dead meat’. In class I had my work ripped away from me and screwed up, sharp pencils dug into my back, drawing pins placed on my chair when I left my seat and was constantly antagonised. It was not just girls either. Often it was boys that would shove me hard from behind so I ended up falling over.

I did have some good friends in my year that stuck by me which kept me from losing the plotting entirely and I will never forget them – Anne-Marie, Rachel and Shirley. I also later became friends with a gay boy called Ray who was such a lovely kid. My cat Pebbles and my dog Pepsi were both a real comfort as well and after a tough day at school I’d sob into Pepsi’s coat. I had already learned not to cry in front of the bullies and let them have the satisfaction of seeing my tears. They could punch me and kick me all they liked but they wouldn’t see my tears. Instead, I’d sort of go inside myself at school and detach. Teachers would sometimes tell me off or describe me as dreamy, or accuse me of not paying attention. I realise now that I was dissociating. It was my brains way of protecting me from the full extent of what was happening.

Back home though in the safety of my bedroom my eyes would leak and Pepsi would look up at me with sad eyes and lick my tears away. Pebbles would seem to sense my troubles and would soothe me with her wise old eyes and a few purrs. They do say that the frequency of a cat’s purr is healing to the human body and it was rather strange circumstances in which she adopted me one day by following me all the way to the shops and back. Without my furry friends, I would have given up the fight. To this day, I believe that animals can sense when their owners are unhappy and they give us unconditional love. They are capable of far more love than many humans on this planet.

When my parents found out the full extent of the bullying they insisted on intervening but the school – Hreod Parkway had no interest whatsoever. They said that as so many kids were picking on me and beating me up it must be my fault. From an adult point of view now, I can see that this is the most negligent, irresponsible and downright disgusting thing an adult could say to a child who is being bullied. In fact, nowadays there is a name for it and the term is ‘victim-shaming.’ A phrase that refers to the practice of blaming the victim for his or her abuse/assault. For a long while though, I believed them and thought there was something wrong with me. That somehow how I wasn’t good enough. I was too short/too interested in learning, too strange, too this/too that/ too (insert irrational complex).

From a child’s perspective, I couldn’t see that as a school they were unfit to deal with the real issue of bullying in their school. Even in my early adult years I believed that I wasn’t good enough and that I was deeply flawed in some way. I would obsess about such minor things –  conversations and thinking I sounded stupid, doing that thing where you nearly bump into a stranger in a street where you do that funny little dance to get around each other. I didn’t realise that was just a normal thing that happened to everyone. I was used to be blamed for everything so I thought even that was my fault and would run off in shame, feeling distressed for the rest of the day. Having to stand up on a public bus or train was a nightmare. I always felt everyone would be staring at me. The bullying made me very paranoid. It’s quite funny how I managed to overcome this feeling. I’ll come to that soon.

When I was around 14 years of age things started to reach a climax. One day when I was walking home from school chatting with my friend Rachel, when suddenly a girl called Michelle Dwyer grabbed me by the hair and started pulling me around by the ponytail. I say this factually and not unkindly, but she was built somewhat akin to a brick shithouse.

She looped her leg under my ankle and body slammed me at the same time so that I fell to the floor with a thud, then started to kick me in the head repeatedly until I was dizzy. I was unable to get up. The kicks to my ribs, sides, back and head were relentless. A ring of youths had gathered round in a circle chanting “Fight, fight, fight.” But this wasn’t a fight, this was an assault and a completely unprovoked attack. It could have gone on for ten minutes, it may have been half an hour. I cannot recall as the thudding pain subsided and my mind seemed to detach from the situation as if I was watching it happen to myself.

My friend Rachel (and funnily enough, several bullies who had realised that this had gone way too far) ran to my Mum’s house a few minutes away and when she and another neighbour ran out the cowards ran away. I was taken to hospital and the hospital were so shocked by the nature of the assault they phoned the police. I was interviewed and made to give a statement. Despite my protests the CPS pressed charges against the girl and the police lady who interviewed me said, “I don’t think you realise the severity of what happened and what has been happening to you. You don’t want her doing this to someone else do you?”

I didn’t but the decision was no longer mine as the CPS chased the conviction. The bully’s defence was “I was having a bad day.” I was covered in bruises, patches of hair missing as well as blood blisters around my eyes and hair line. Worst of all was the humiliation. I felt that no one had stopped it sooner because no-one liked me. Of course, at the time I didn’t realise it was because everyone else was too afraid to try and pull this psycho off me.

Things were a little quiet afterwards once the bullies heard of the prosecution, until one day one of the ring leaders Lynsey Herbert walked past me on the bridge. I hadn’t breathed a word or even acknowledged her presence. No doubt I had my head down and looked meek, so I was an easy target. She grabbed my coat collar and pulled it over my head so I couldn’t see anything. Then she started swinging me about. There was no way I could go through another ordeal like I’d gone through with Dwyer and endure more humiliation, so I started to swing my arms about wildly trying to remove my coat so I could see. As chance would have it, I heard a thud and felt something connect with one of my arms. I heard her scream and run off crying. I’d something managed to hit her in the face with my flailing arms while I wriggled and writhed about inside my coat. I was surprised. I didn’t expect these so called ‘Hard Girls’ to cry and run off so easily.

The next day I saw Lynsey and she had a black eye but she didn’t say a word. During registration that morning my form tutor Miss O called me up and said, “Did you give Lynsey Herbert a black eye?” I nodded sheepishly and said “Yes,” waiting for a rebuke. However, it never came. Miss O simply smiled and said “Good, go back to your seat.” There was a hush over the class and a new-found respect for me had formed because I had hit back at the bully, even if it wasn’t intentional.

The bullying stopped and never happened again from that moment onwards. The thing is whilst the bullying stopped the damage had already been done. I was painfully shy, found it impossible to trust people and struggled to form friendships. I suffered from mood swings and a deep sense of resentment. Even as a young adult this affected me and rather than sharing my ideas and getting involved when in a group of people, I was introverted and quiet. I was full of conflict. I had all these ideas, I was creative and motivated, but I struggled to express myself. I suffered flashbacks and moments of paranoia and always felt that anyone being nice to me had a secret agenda. As I was saying earlier, the day I stopped feeling paranoid was the day I realised that most people don’t really give much of a shit about things outside of their own lives. Most people have far too much to worry about to be targeting you personally. Any kind of conflict is generally a projection of someone’s own insecurities…just like those kids at school were most likely repeating the behaviours they saw at home.

However, when you live your childhood and early teens being subjected to severe abuse daily, it effects your mental health. I suffered with low self-esteem for many years and thought that no one could possibly like me or my ideas. Life felt like a battle, an ongoing struggle and I had to soldier through it. There were few moments of real joy, just a journey of moments varying in degrees of anxiety and panic.

Another side effect of my childhood trauma meant that for quite some time I was a people pleaser. I desperately wanted people to like me so I would develop one sided friendships and make excuses for people rather than casting them aside when they treated me badly. I formed many bad relationships with toxic people that were not worth my time or energy as I couldn’t see my own self-worth. I spent far too long in abusive relationships with narcissists and violent men.

It took many years of self-help, meditation and understanding to accept myself, forgive my bullies and realise that I was a more compassionate person than any of them could ever be, because I had the gift of empathy and had gotten through something that probably would have destroyed them.

Part of me also felt sorry for those school day bullies. I wondered what must have happened to them to make them so full of rage and hate. I’m sure their lives couldn’t have been filled with very much happiness. Happy people don’t go around hurting others.

Still, it took many years to regain my confidence and feel capable of achieving good things and becoming the much stronger, no nonsense woman I am today. I am no longer a victim, although in many ways I consider myself a survivor.

I am a strong woman who believes in herself completely now, and if you are being bullied or abused right now, I want you to know that you are also a lot stronger than you think. If I can get through it, so can you, but don’t try to get through it on your own like I did. Speak up, talk to someone you trust and make the bullying stop! I know it’s easy to say and hard to do. You might worry that speaking out will make it worse, well let me tell you that staying silent will make it worse! Your abuser will assume they can get away with it and there will be no consequences. If you are in an abusive relationship like I have been, you might feel an undeserved loyalty to your abuser. Remember, someone who truly loved you would not want to cause you pain in anyone whether it’s verbal or physical. They might even victim blame and say it is your fault, you make them do it. It’s not your fault, the only person at fault is the bully. Let me ask you this – does the bully abuse their boss? Policemen? People bigger than them? Notice how they can control themselves around certain people if there are consequences attached to their actions. They only do it to people who they think will let them get away with it. Stop letting them. Ruin their game plan and take back control of your life.

Bullies are cowards. They push others around because it gives them a sense of power. They are weak-minded people with little self-awareness and little empathy for others. The only way they can feel good about themselves is to hurt or try to destroy others. If you are being bullied, whether it is physical, verbal or even online it still applies. Anyone that tries to bully you is beyond pathetic and needs help. But you need to help yourself and make sure it is stopped. Believe me when I tell you this, it is not your fault, you are not to blame and you do NOT deserve to be treated like this. The problem lies within the bully who is inherently damaged and broken inside.

You might even feel like you can’t face this on your own and have no one to turn to who will understand. Well, if that’s the case and you don’t have anyone you can contact me. I understand the feeling of isolation, the anxiety, the stress. I know what it’s like to feel frozen, paralysed not knowing what to do, but I also know how it feels to break through and climb out of that situation, I know it’s the best thing you can ever do for yourself. I will show you support groups you can join and help you to help yourself.

Here are a couple of links I researched for anyone who is having a problem with bullying right now. It could be happening in your workplace, your child might be having some problems at school to do with bullying or it could be a friend of yours who is having problems.

Due to new laws Cyber bullying is also now an offence, so if you are being bullied, threatened or blackmailed online always keep records, screenshots and e-mails so you can pass these on to the relevant authorities.

You are special, believe in yourself even when others do not. Allow your inner strength to shine through and your goodness will shine bright whilst their dark, empty hearts ache with the heavy weight of their own self-hatred. Every good person on this planet deserves to feel safe, loved and happy. You are worthy, you are enough, do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

Love and Hugs – Kaz B x

Anti-Bulling ad

The ultimate guide on bullying, reviewed by board-certified physicians:

https://www.verywellfamily.com/bullying-overview-4581824

Dr Keenan’s Guide On Dealing With Cyber Bullying & Substance Abuse

http://www.standuptobullying.co.uk/

http://www.stompoutbullying.org/

http://www.bullying.co.uk/

With thanks to Anne-Marie, Rachel, Shirley and Ev – my confidants.

Don't judge Others

Kaz B

Writer, podcaster, creator

5 Comments

  1. Dear Kaz.
    That’s a very heartfelt and personal blog post. I really feel moved by your past experience of bullying and the effects it had on your self esteem after it had stopped. My niece was bullied when she started senior school and I was left feeling absolutely helpless! Although it didn’t become physical in nature now with social media and technology bullies can still reach and abuse you when you’ve shut the front door and should feel safe at home. I’m so glad that you’ve overcome your anxieties and feel you can express your creative idea’s for acting, writing and in the adult industry.
    G.

    • Thank you for your lovely words G. It felt good to write about it actually and get it off of my chest finally as I’ve carried it around like a heavy stone for years and hidden it like a dirty secret as I didn’t want to be seen as a victim. But I realise now I am not that and wanted to reach out to others and let them know that it is not their fault if they are going through something like this and to get help.

      I’m sorry to hear about your niece and I hope life is good for her now. You are quite correct in saying that bullies can still get their victims online and in a way I think this can be worse for youngsters as they can’t even escape when supposedly safe at home.
      Fortunately there are laws in place to protect people from online abuse if it is tackled. Back in the 80’s when I was a kid, bullying wasn’t taken seriously and no one was interested in helping. Thankfully there are many avenues for support nowadays, some which I have referred to in the bottom of my blog.

      Thanks again for your comments – Kaz

  2. Hi Kaz,
    A very moving story which also took me down memery lane, where the only person who was able to stop the bullying was myself. Although I was the one getting picked on, I would be the one the teachers always picked on too. Until, one day I knew I had to do something so I took all of them on, one by one and now 30 years on some of them want to be friends. I always ask myself, “Why would anyone allow a bully to be a friend later on in life”. I realise now that they are the ones who needed help and not me. The teachers were also cowards, for not doing their job properly, but life goes on and we still live to tell our stories.

    • Thanks for sharing your story Tony. Many teachers are teachers because they failed in their chosen subject, and because of this some are very bitter and take it out on the children. They are too scared to enter into a conflict with the bullies so they target the quiet ones. When teachers are bullies what hope do the kids have?!

      Like you said you can only learn and grow from your experiences and surround yourself with happy, positive people.

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